Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
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[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
Monday
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.