Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
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*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
me irl
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry