[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
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My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
WHY?!
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?