Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
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Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.