I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
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me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
saw this in a dream
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
Sharon I have some bad news
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.