At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
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You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.