Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.

Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.

If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:

If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.

Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?

Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:

• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych ward

It’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.

It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.

God: you’re a roly poly bug.

Roly Poly: what does that mean?

God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.

Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?

God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].

Roly Poly:

God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.

Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?

The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores

Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves

8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?

Me: I just did 438 sit ups.

8: sounds legit.

I’ve taught her well.

her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot

Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.

– Respirational Tweet

Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on

WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine

[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”

Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣

Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.

I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it

Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.

Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.

[hiking]

ME: I’m so tired

MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face

Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch

Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.

I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.

Not messing around

If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist

6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was

Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything

Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-

Me:

H: Your mom is very smart

I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.

*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*