Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
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Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.