Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
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*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
This is hilarious….
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread