Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
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My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?