After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
You Might Also Like
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
FINE, I WON’T.
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours