Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
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Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
When I can’t barge, I careen.
everyone has that one prude friend
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
bout dat hot dog summer
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.