When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
You Might Also Like
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”