People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
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‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.