How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
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I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
Fidel Castro was alive?
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.