You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
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Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.