Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
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saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
I know this now 😂
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
Never be a pizza!
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
what does he know…
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.