Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
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My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous