shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
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Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what