WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
You Might Also Like
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry