friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
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Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
man i love columbo
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
*swipes right on my hand mirror
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit