My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
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I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.