Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
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11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
Employees must applaud the planets.
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
I mean…but I did
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.