There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
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What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.