How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
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Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples