Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
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Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
Whoa… oh I see lol
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.