When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
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It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
October already? What’s next? November????
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
Happy Star Wars day!
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
Phonetics
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*