Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
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I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town