I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
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a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.