The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
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[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
The prophecy is fulfilled
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.