What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
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“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza