can you read it!!??
maan!
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“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.