In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
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Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
Watson was Holmes schooled
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
Taco Bell, Exit 22
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
Police sketch artist: Two criminals? But you’ve just described a vase
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*