*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
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computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
this is so top tier i cant
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
decorating my apartment
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.