“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
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Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?