Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
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I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you