*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
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If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.