You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
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SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
This kid is a star!
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
I see your IQ test came back negative
Good news
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
cats when you pet them too long:
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
But I really needed water water water
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.