“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
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If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
Pringles
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything