Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
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A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
This is a bad sign
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.