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wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
It’s actually Dr. whatever
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
watergate? u mean a dam??
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?