3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
You Might Also Like
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.