Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
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That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
peak technology
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
accurate
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
Help Wanted
Animal poetry
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.