When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
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I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office