You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
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I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.