Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
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*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no