gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
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People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
girls literally only want one thing..
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?