[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
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To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
“That’s what” – She
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens