[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
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pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
#oldknees
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*