Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
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*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.